There is a girl in one of my classes who loves to hug. Not the gentle, drift-into-your-arms kind of hug. The full-body, come-in-fast, hold-on-tight kind. Sometimes, the surprise from behind/around the neck. For months, I watched her approach other children with all of that love and intensity… and I watched the other children brace, pull away, or get knocked over. The hugs weren’t working. She was getting full body contact, but it was often met with tears and struggle.
So I stayed with her. I watched her. I named what I saw. I kept guiding her, gently and honestly, every time: “You want to be close to him. He’s not ready for that. Can you find another way?”
There was no shaming. No “no hugging.” Just presence, curiosity, and trust that she was capable of learning something hard. Oh and boundaries. Lots and lots of boundaries. Lots of keeping everyone safe with these tight hugs…sometimes letting the hugs happen…sometimes stopping a hug before it happened…always offering another way to get that proprioceptive AND social need met.
Last week, as she perched on one of my taller boxes, I saw her spot a friend sitting just below her. I watched her arms begin to rise, hands reaching toward the back of that child’s neck, her fingertips just about to brush the other girl’s shoulders…the familiar approach taking shape. And then something shifted.
She paused.
She got off the box and walked around to face her friend. She sat down close to her, just in front of her. They sat for a moment…And then that child, surprised by the gentleness of her approach, and knowing what she was probably hoping for, leaned right into her and hugged her first.
What followed was a hug fest. Joy everywhere. Another child came over and leaned in to hug, too…and the look of joy I could see on her face as she leaned into that next hug was…melting…as one onlooker commented. Then, the three children leaned in for a threeway hug together.
That moment didn’t happen because I redirected her once. It couldn’t have happened if I never let her try and try and try again. It happened because we trusted the process. Because we trusted she could get there. Because we stayed.
That is the Educaring Approach. That is RIE.
P.P.S. I just learned about this awesome tip….If you have kids in your life who live in Los Angeles County, LACMA offers a completely free membership for anyone 17 and under called NexGenLA. Free admission anytime, plus one adult gets in free on every visit. No renewals, no expiration until their 18th birthday. Sign up at lacma.org or right at the museum’s welcome table. Worth passing along.