Last time I shared the story of Charles and the goldfish crackers—how a toddler who initially said no to sharing eventually found his own way to generously distribute his prized snacks to classmates. But here’s where the story gets even more interesting…
The following week, Charles brought cashews, and let me tell you, he did not want to share those at all. Ernest asked, gestured, pleaded with his eyes, and Charles’s mother made the same suggestion about giving a cashew to his mother to share, but Charles really wasn’t having it. He tightly held his cashews and declined to share them.
That was hard to watch, but it was also really beautiful because we knew from the previous week that Charles really could share if he wanted to. We also knew that he really didn’t want to share the cashews, and he felt okay doing that, even though he could tell others were hoping he’d be willing to share. And that’s okay too.
As someone who has a tendency to be overly accommodating, it was refreshing to see a toddler firm in his own boundaries. Charles was modeling something many adults struggle with—the ability to say no when something doesn’t feel right, even when others want us to say yes. Sit with that for just a moment.
Going a little further, when we force children to share, we rob them of the opportunity to learn what it actually feels like to make that choice. How can a child understand the joy of genuine generosity if they’ve never experienced the contrast of holding onto something precious?
The only way we truly learn how it feels to not share is to, well, not share—and to witness the natural consequences that follow. When Charles held onto his cashews, he could see Ernest’s disappointment. He could feel the social tension. He experienced what it’s like to be the person who says no, even when others are hoping for yes.
This isn’t cruel—it’s honest. These are the real dynamics that exist in relationships throughout our lives. By allowing children to experience both the giving and the withholding, we’re helping them develop a genuine understanding of how their choices affect others and themselves.
If we constantly override their natural instincts and force sharing, they learn to comply to avoid conflict rather than share from the heart—a very different lesson entirely.
I always say that relationships are two-sided—both people need to feel they are getting what they need, but sometimes that can’t happen. Healthy relationships aren’t built on one person always accommodating the other; they’re built on mutual respect for boundaries and genuine care for each other’s feelings.
When we allow children to navigate these moments authentically—whether they choose to share or not—we’re teaching them to honor their own feelings while remaining aware of others’. The children who work through these moments together develop stronger, more authentic connections. They learn to read social cues, express their needs clearly, handle disappointment, and appreciate genuine generosity when it happens.
Charles and Ernest’s relationship didn’t suffer because Charles kept his cashews. If anything, it became more real. Ernest learned that Charles had preferences and boundaries. Charles learned that his choices had impact. Both learned that their friendship could weather disappointment.
This is what we’re here for, right? Not perfect little sharing machines, but children who understand themselves, respect others, and can navigate the beautiful complexity of human relationships with authenticity and grace.
