In class the other day, a parent asked me about responding to crying. She’d been at a music class with her child, who had recently learned to move, and her daughter had crawled away, interested in the other children and the instruments. Her Mom watched her venture away, a first for her, with a lot of feelings. After a few minutes, her daughter, perhaps realizing she’d moved more than she intended, looked for her Mom and began crying.
And here was the conflict: to swoop in and rescue or to move slowly and reassuringly? The vibe in the room (and the vibe in our society) encouraged her to swoop in…but her experience in my class told her to go slow and offer support. (Have you felt that push-pull? I know I have!) So, when she came back to my class, we talked about it.
I started with my standard spiel about responding slowly and calmly, explaining that part of the reason we do this is that we are co-regulating with them: helping them calm, but giving space for their own self-regulation to kick in at any point. Does seeing your face help? If not, maybe hearing you speak…then you may put your hand on them…then offer to pick them up, maybe walk with them…you see, when you go slow like this, you can see what really helps them in the moment. Conversely, when we swoop in immediately, we don’t know if a smaller intervention might have helped.
The other thing about swooping in quickly is that infants and toddlers are constantly checking in with us about how we are feeling in order to help them judge how they should feel. And when we rush to hush and shush a crying child, we are communicating to them that their tears are an emergency, and something that’s not to be tolerated. And yes, when we are crying (any of us), we are in distress (physical or emotional) and it doesn’t feel good…but we know that these feelings are part of life. Tears and sadness (and pain) do fade over time.
Now, this is not at all to say, “well, they’re crying. They’ll get over it!” That’s not at all where I’m coming from! When we come in slowly, with intent and care, and demonstrate that we are curious about their cries, when we treat cries as communication, we are showing children we are in relationship with them. That they can cry with us. And that they can cry until they are done.
So much of our culture wants children (and the rest of us) to put on a happy face. Turn that frown upside down. As Magda said, we are so quick to say to a crying child, with words or actions, “you’re okay” even when the tears coming down their cheeks tell us the opposite. The Educaring Approach encourages us to be with children in their happiness, their joy…and in their grief and anger. It’s hard because we want children to feel safe and happy always…but what a gift to be someone they can be safe and sad with.
Yours in good times and in rough ones,
Melani
PS…have you ever wanted to learn more about this Approach? You can start where I did: with the RIE Foundations course. It’s a 60-hour exploration of the history and theory behind the Approach, learning from a RIE Associate and with other curious and caring people. If you ever want to know more about this class, please tell me!
And if you’re not ready for a full-on semester-length course, but you want some extra support, RIE offers short and to the point webinars …there is a webinar tomorrow that I’m excited about: Helping Young Children Manage Aggression with Understanding and Respect. 90 minutes (recorded, so you can watch later if needed).